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March 28, 2015 / laurenhessrambling

I Don’t Like Pit Bulls….But Hear Me Out

*Gasp* Did I really just admit to disliking Pit Bulls? I know this will ruffle some feathers but hear me out and listen to my story before you get angry with me.

First, I want to start off by telling you that I haven’t always felt this way. Honestly, I’ve never LOVED Pit Bulls. While some find their big, goofy faces to be endearing, I never have. But that’s not to say I hated them. I just never thought they were cute dogs. I once had a friend who owned two of them. She was a pittie lover. I met her two pits at her house on several different occasions and they never bothered me. One of them was actually quite sweet. At one point, I will admit, she almost had me convinced to even adopt a pit bull of my own. Thankfully, that never panned out.

Because now? I’m terrified of them. But please don’t misunderstand that. I am scared of MOST dogs these days, no matter their breed, mostly when they are near my children. They can be little or big, it doesn’t matter, they scare me. I grew up around dogs and although I never really thought I was a dog person, I was never scared of them before. The dog I owned before the one I have now, a Keeshond named Wuzzy, was an absolute fantastic dog. She was beautiful, friendly, intelligent, just an all-around great dog. She had to be euthanized at age 10 because of constant seizures that were diminishing her quality of life and I often think about how much I miss that dog.

The dog I have now, Riley, is a pain in my ass. He’s a neurotic mess and while I was a huge advocate of adopting from a shelter before I got him, I just keep quiet about the subject now. Most people have pleasant experiences when adopting a pet. I think I got a dud. He loves me unconditionally but almost too much. He’s like an obsessed, controlling boyfriend who won’t let me out of his sight. And if anyone dares to come near me, he might just kick their ass. Once he gets to know you, he’s actually pretty harmless. Well, if he likes you.

But this post isn’t about Riley. It’s about why I don’t like Pit Bulls and why I have a fear of dogs in general now. I follow ABC Action News on Facebook and when a story about a pit pops up, sometimes I can’t help but comment. The general public seem to think that the news only names the dog in the article when it’s a pit bull. They say the media plays up the fact that “yet another pit bull attacked somebody.” I personally do not believe this is true. And I know I am pissing off quite a few people on my Facebook page right now because I see the constant I ❤ Pit Bulls posts that pop up in my newsfeed. But hopefully even those people can see where I am coming from in this post.

Like I said before, it’s not just Pit Bulls. German Shepherds have always been a bit scary to me. They are big and intense looking. And since my 11 year old son was attacked by a German Shepherd/Pit bull mix, I have nothing but dislike for both breeds now.

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In the hospital immediately following the attack.

That’s right, my son was attacked by a dog. I debated about whether I should post these photos or not but I asked his permission before doing so. And I feel like I really can’t get my point across without these photos. If we are Facebook friends, you have probably seen me post about it before. But it wasn’t just any dog that bit my child. It was my son’s father’s dog. A dog my son has met and spent many weekends with. Her name was Rozz. My ex, my son’s father, got her as a puppy. Every time I read about a Pit Bull attacking someone, I read so many comments about how the dog must have been mistreated and abused. Never could a dog just be mean and nasty. Never could a dog just snap and decide it doesn’t like that person anymore. For as long as I’ve known my ex, I’ve never known him to be abusive and certainly not mean to animals. He once got upset with me because I tried to kill the ants that were invading my kitchen. So I don’t believe he mistreated or abused his dog. I don’t know how his wife is but I assume she never did either. My ex is many things. He’s an air head, he’s emotionally draining, he made horrible choices in his lifetime, but abusive? No. So what made his dog attack my beautiful son?

It happened the day after Thanksgiving, Friday November 28th, 2014. This day is known to everyone as Black Friday which is fitting because it was a very dark day for us.

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This was the last photo I took of my beautiful boys together on Thanksgiving Day. They complained that mom was taking “yet another photo” but I am so glad I did.

The day started off nice and almost ended nicely too. I avoided the craziness of Black Friday shopping as I often do. I cleaned my house and even managed to decorate for Christmas, which never happens before December in this house. Everything was good until around 8pm when I received a phone call from my ex’s wife. She never calls me so I immediately knew something was wrong. She tried to down play the incident, telling me my son got too close to the dog and “got scratched.” I flipped out and drove as fast as I could to the emergency room. I’m sure some of you know how I must have felt. Knowing something was wrong with my baby and knowing I needed to be there with him, but imagining just how bad it could be. The entire drive there, I prayed to God that it wasn’t that bad. But I knew it would be since it warranted a trip to the ER.

When I first saw my son, I burst into tears, which made him start crying too. I can’t get that image out of my head, him lying on the hospital bed with a bloody face. Yes, the dog bit him in the face. His beautiful face with his porcelain white skin, his little tan freckles on the bridge of his nose, all covered in blood. I wanted to take his place. Seeing my first born in such a vulnerable state, it was something I will never be able to forget. Watching him writhe in pain as the plastic surgeon stitched up each and every wound was just awful. I held his hand and told him it would be okay, because as his mom, I was trying to comfort him. In total, he received 53 stitches in his little face. And those scars will never fully go away. They will always be a part of his face now. Every day, they heal a little bit more, but it’s been 4 months since the attack and the scars are still pretty red and agitated looking. There is one long scar down his nose, another one under his nostril and another under his lower lip. He has scar tissue in his lower lip and his smile, which was once beautiful and natural, is now crooked and lopsided. He has been called names at school and next year, he starts middle school where we all know, “appearances are everything.”

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The morning after the attack, my son was in so much pain. His entire face was swollen. My heart breaks when I look at this photo.

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On our way to get the stitches removed. He was still very swollen and his skin was yellowed from the bruising. The dog knocked into him with such force, she actually knocked one of his front teeth loose too. Thankfully, it tightened back up on it’s own.

This is what a Pit Bull did to my son. This is what a German Shepherd did to my son. This dog knew him. She spent every other weekend with him and has since she was a puppy. But on that evening, when she heard someone outside, she got up, excitedly ran to the door and barked. And my son innocently went over to the door and asked his dog “what are you barking out?” And when he kneeled down to peer out the mail slot, the dog lunged at him. He wasn’t trying to provoke her. He’s just an 11 year old child who wanted to see what his dog was barking at. And he paid the price for his innocent curiosity.

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This is the dog who attacked my son. Seemingly happy and loveable. And yes, she was up for adoption after what she did to my child!! The shelter was not informed that she had bitten him. They were told she scratched. Thankfully they removed her from the website as soon as they were informed of what she had done. I would not have forgiven myself if this had happened to someone else’s child.

Sometimes I blame myself. A few months prior to this incident, my son came home from his dad’s house with a tiny little nick on his face. I asked what happened and was told he “got too close to the dog and she accidently nicked him with her tooth.” I knew in my gut that that’s not normal. But I didn’t listen to myself and now he will have these scars on his face for the rest of his life. But I know this wasn’t my fault. As a dog owner, you are responsible for properly training your dog. And I feel that if you are going to bring home a dog to a house full of young children, (my son has a 1 year old half brother and 4 year old half sister from his dads side)  you probably shouldn’t go for one that is mixed with two breeds known to have violent or aggressive tendencies. Whether you like it or not, Pit Bulls have a reputation, and maybe for good reason. And German Shepherds are often trained to be police dogs. I did not know this dog had Pit Bull in her. I often wonder if I was told she was a “German Shepherd mix” for a reason. I should have questioned what she was mixed with. But it wouldn’t have made a difference. This still would have happened eventually.

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After the stitches were removed, he was basically left with a giant gaping scar going down his face.

Every day I massage my son’s scars with Mederma, twice daily, all three scars for two minutes each. It’s just a part of our daily routine now and will be for the next year. I’m doing everything I can in hope that the scars heal nicely. I hope to look back in 9 months or so and just have this whole thing be a distant, bad memory. This should have never happened and I often think “why? Why my child?” I wish I had an answer for that. But why do bad things ever happen to children?

I know it’s not just Pit Bulls. I know it’s not just German Shepherds. I’ve heard the stories. I once heard about a St. Bernard who had to be put down because he bit a person’s babysitter on several occasions. I once knew a Chihuahua who was a nasty little thing. And my own mother had a Bichon Frise who was one of the nastiest dogs I’ve ever met. He was rehomed several times throughout his life because he was so awful. I KNOW there are good dogs out there. And I know that responsible pet owners pay for the proper training of their dog. But when I see an article in the news about a pit attacking a child and the majority of the comments from strangers include “that dog must have been abused” and “my dog would never do that” and “there are no bad dogs, only bad owners” and “the dog should not be euthanized. It deserves a second chance” it makes my blood boil. Do any of those people ever stop and just THINK about the person who was attacked? No, they just want to defend their precious dogs.

I believe that unless you’ve personally been affected by a dog bite, you really have no clue how it feels. It’s easy to defend something when it hasn’t hurt you. Think about it. Have you ever gone out to eat and gotten severely sick afterward? You certainly aren’t going to eat there again, at least not for a while. Or maybe you drove in a snow storm and got into a bad accident. You might just be scared to drive in the snow for a very long time after that. Every day, I have to be reminded of what a dog did to my beautiful little boys face. And all he is guilty of was asking who was outside. I am thankful he is not scarred emotionally. He isn’t afraid of dogs. He is still just an innocent little boy who loves animals. But I am terrified of most of them. Because I know exactly what they are capable of. Anytime I see one, all I can think about his their mouth full of sharp teeth. So please don’t hate me because I am not a Pit Bull lover. Not everyone has to love them. And please don’t think less of me when I cross the street if I see you walking your German Shepherd. It might just be the nicest dog in the world. But I am too scared and too paranoid to find out. Not after seeing what one did to my son’s face. It happened once which means it could happen again. And it could be much worse next time.

As I type this, my stinky, neurotic dog is sleeping right next to me on the couch. I try every day to not be paranoid around him when my kids are in the room. It’s not his fault that another dog hurt my son. But I’m cautious, more now than ever before. And I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. It’s just a shame something like this had to happen to make me this way.

Every day, my child’s scar heals just a little bit more. Maybe you are wondering why I am harping on it. It’s done and over with now. It happened 4 months ago. The scar is healing. And I haven’t established that Pit Bulls are bad dogs. But that wasn’t the point of my post. Honestly, I think I wrote this post for myself mostly. I just wanted to get this off my chest. But also, I wanted to just remind you to think about the victims next time you read about a dog attacking. Don’t immediately get defensive and blame the human. Because that is not always the case. My little boy would never hurt an animal. But one hurt him. And because of that, I will never look at a dog the same way ever again, no matter what breed it is.

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Taken just the other day, 4 months after the attack.

March 20, 2015 / laurenhessrambling

Things You Shouldn’t Say to an All Boy Mom

I’ve seen similar posts such as this numerous times. But now it’s my turn to write one.

As a mom of three boys, I have heard my fair share of stupid things and I know I can’t possibly be the only one! So I’ve compiled a little list for your viewing pleasure.

Things you shouldn’t say to moms of all boys:

1. Girls are drama!

I’m sorry, have you not met my kids? Drama is a middle name the two oldest share. When my 11 year old is asked to clean his bedroom or do his homework, his whole world falls apart. And if you dare to put something on my 5 year olds dinner plate that he’s not fond of, get ready for a battle! As they get older, they might be less dramatic than a couple teenage girls. I would certainly prefer three boys to three girls. But I just think people should stop assuming boys are not dramatic. They most certainly are.

2. It’s cheaper to have boys

Who came up with this one? In this day and age, I think the tradition of the bride’s family paying for a wedding is very outdated. When I got married to my husband, we paid for most of it ourselves. My mom bought my dress, my dad paid for the music, and my in laws paid for the flowers. My husband and I paid for just about everything else. So toss that theory out the window please.

While I’m happy that instead of having to buy my non existent daughter a new dress for each dance (hello new tie!) I am sad I will be missing out on that whole dress buying experience. Ties just aren’t nearly as fun to shop for.

In general, I think it just depends on the kid. Maybe your child will be in multiple sports or have an obsession with shoes. Who knows? Kids are little money suckers no matter their sex.

The only time I can see girls actually being more expensive than boys is if I had one. Because you can bet your butt after 3 boys, I’d be buying out the entire baby girl section of every store I could find. Have you seen the options for boy clothes? For every one cute article of boy clothing, there are about ten cuter than cute girl outfits! It’s just not right. But my husbands wallet is thankful.

3. You can borrow my daughter

This one just annoys me. I don’t want to “borrow” your daughter. Taking her out for the day to have lunch and go shopping is NOT the same thing as raising a little girl of my own and I am not sure why people think it is. Please stop saying this one to moms of all boys.

4. Who will take care of you when you are older?

Yes, I was actually asked this. I guess I didn’t realize boys couldn’t take care of their parents? And since when did having a daughter guarantee you had a caretaker for life? I really don’t think that’s a fair assumption to make for anyone.

5. I guess you better keep trying for a girl. The next one has to be a girl!

I hear this one often when I am out with all three of my boys. Complete strangers love telling me to have another child. FYI, its weird. Especially considering my baby is only 6 months old. Is there some sort of guarantee that my 4th will be a girl? How do I sign up for that?

6. Boys are easier than girls 

I hear this one a lot and it really gets under my skin. A child’s sex does not determine if they are going to be easy or not. I feel like these people are saying to me “You must have it so easy with your three boys!” I’m telling you right now, I don’t. I don’t know what its like to have a daughter but I do know what its like to have a child with behavioral issues. Until you experience THAT, don’t tell me my boys are easy. Not to mention, they keep leaving my damn toilet seat up. That’s not fun! I’m a parent and anybody who is a parent will tell you it’s not an easy task, no matter what the sex of your children.

7. You aren’t guaranteed a girly girl anyway

Duh. I know this already. Just like with boys, you aren’t guaranteed an athlete. If you think the only reason I would have liked to have a little girl is because of the cute dresses, you would be wrong. They would just be a bonus 🙂

8. Three boys? That’s my worst nightmare!

When I hear this one,  it really makes me shake my head! People tell me they are so scared to have a third kid because they don’t want to end up like me. Evidently having three boys is the worst thing in the world. Somehow I doubt that. They should talk to the moms of four boys 😉 I really just don’t think people think when they say this to a mom of all boys. Nobody wants to hear “I don’t want to end up like you.” That’s just mean and hurtful whether you meant for it to be or not.

I do feel sad that I will never get to raise a daughter. But that doesn’t mean I don’t love being a boy mom. I adore my three wild, crazy, stinky boys! Maybe I will never get to go prom dress shopping or have a little girl to dress up in pink dresses and pig tails, but I get to experience things that only an all boy mom can experience. Like the wide eyed gawking of strangers when we venture into public lol

This post wasn’t meant to offend. I just want to give you a little perspective. I am sure I’m guilty of saying some of these very same things to all boy moms in the past. Its just meant to help you out in the future. Watch what you say to an all boy or all girl mom. You might just be inadvertently hurting their feelings, even though you aren’t meaning to. Think before you speak.

I suppose I should toughen up a little bit though and stop taking these things so personal. After all, I am a boy mom 😉10390425_10152827222608813_4292775906390886506_n

November 27, 2013 / laurenhessrambling

Why I’m Thankful

I wish I could just make this shorter and post it right onto facebook because then someone might read it. But i’m going to ramble so it had to be posted here instead.

A lot of people like to post one reason they are thankful for every day leading up to Thanksgiving. I am not one of those people. I just don’t have the motivation to come up with something every single day. Some days I am in a really cranky mood and hate everything and everyone so it just wouldn’t work out for me lol So here are my reasons for being thankful, all bundled up in a poorly written blog post. You’re welcome.

1. I’m thankful for my husband Kyle. He is amazing! He works his butt off for his family. I have been staying at home for over 1 1/2 years now and I would never have been able to experience that if it wasn’t for him. Plus, he puts up with my craziness better than anyone I know. He sacrifices so many things for this family. I just love him 🙂

2. I’m thankful for my friends. My TRUE friends. As I get older, I realize just how difficult it is to find true friends in this world. People are jerks. I’m a jerk lol I’d like to specifically mention a few people who really mean a lot to me.

My friend Regina is one of a kind. She is so nice…too nice…which is probably why we are still friends. But I can tell her exactly how I am feeling and she always assures me she loves me for that. She appreciates me for who I am, lack of filter and all. Some times its hard to maintain our friendship since she is friends with a bunch of my ex bffs, but I know she wont ditch me because its the “cool thing to do.” Plus, she is the only bridesmaid I am still friends with from my wedding so there’s that lol I know she isn’t going anywhere 🙂

My friends Heather & Jared are amazing! (yes, they got coupled together.. they are married, its okay) I didn’t really like either one of them when we met (different times) Jared was obnoxious. Heather was so young! But soon I realized Hey, Jared is just like me, only more of an asshole lol And Heather grew up and now I envy her youth 😛 Seriously though, they are such a great couple of friends and I know neither one of them are going anywhere. We are definitely friends for life 🙂

And last but not least, my friend Jenn. She is a newer friend and we are pretty different people. But she is a really sweet girl and I know we are going to be friends forever! I have seen her delete people out of her life that she dislikes and I have somehow managed to not get deleted so she must like me just a little 🙂 Plus, we both have Gavins. Its fate.

I have some really great friends who weren’t mentioned. They know who they are. I hope they do anyway! I don’t see them a lot and maybe they aren’t even really a part of my life as much as i wish they were but they are the ones who I know I can pick right up with when we do get together. And we have so much fun when we are together! Maybe some people don’t even realize that they have touched my life in some way. I wish I could tell each and every one of them. I am lucky to have finally realized that  the people worth having in my life are the ones who are there for me no matter what. They understand my ocd and my craziness. They get that I lack a filter and tend to speak first, think later. And they appreciate that I am an honest person. So thank you guys!

Okay enough about that. I really rambled quite a bit there lol On to #3.

#3 I am thankful for my family. I am thankful that my dad knows how to use facebook because we wouldn’t speak half as much if he didn’t lol I am also thankful for my 4 brothers, 1 sister and all of their husbands/wives. I don’t get to see them very often. Maybe twice a year if I am lucky. But any time we are together, we have so much fun and I feel like I really DO have a big family. It’s always a fun time and I appreciate each and every one of them! I cant wait to see you all in January!! I am also thankful for my husbands family. He has a pretty great group of people in his life and I am happy to call them my own 🙂

#4 I am thankful that I was able to stick to my diet plan and lose 14 lbs. I feel pretty damn great about that! I never thought I could do it but I did!

#5 I am thankful for my cat Edward. Because he’s Edward and he’s awesome. Enough said. I guess we’ll throw my dog Riley in there too. I am thankful we didn’t get rid of him. He’s still a pain in the ass but he’s sweet too and I would have missed him way too much!

#6 I am thankful for my mommy board. I have known those girls for 5 years now and I love them! I don’t know what I would do without that board. I am so happy to have met some of them in real life. They are a great group of girls and with the exception of a few bad apples, I love them all to pieces. They give me advice, listen to me whine, talk me down when I am close to the edge, and give me a virtual smack when I am being insane. Every mommy should have a message board like that to turn to.

#7 I am thankful for my kids. Yes this one should probably be #1 but I saved the best for last 😛 I LOVE my kids! I always wanted to be a mom when I was younger. It has its rewards and its challenges and its certainly the most difficult thing I have ever done in my entire life. And I love it. I love those boys!! They are my life.

Well, that’s it. I am sure I forgot something. But you get the gist of what I am thankful for. I posted this today in case I wont have time tomorrow. I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving! It’s one of my favorite holidays! Enjoy.HappyThanksgiving

October 30, 2013 / laurenhessrambling

You should dress up as a witch for Halloween

I don’t typically post about things I read online. I probably should because then maybe people would actually read my blog lol So here we go.

http://www.today.com/moms/swapping-letters-candy-trick-or-treat-8C11493000

Who has read this? A woman in North Dakota plans to give out letters to children she has decided are too overweight for candy. The letter basically tells the parents that she deemed their kid obese and since it “takes a village to raise a child” she was just letting them know how she felt.

WOW. Okay. How about instead of handing out insulting letters to these kids on Halloween, don’t give out candy to anyone? Give out stickers or fake tattoos or bags of pretzels. But to single out the “fat kids” by giving them a letter instead? This woman is truly evil. I hope her house gets egged and the letters end up all over her front yard.

Hey Fargo lady, do us all a favor! Turn off your light and don’t answer your door on Halloween. Nobody wants to read your bull shit letter. Mind your own damn business. These kids may not even be eating the candy for all we know. Maybe they are sending it to the troops or taking it to their dentist for a couple bucks. Maybe their parents are eating the majority of it. (guilty) But even if they are eating it? So what? It’s up to their parents to handle the situation. It’s not up to random people with too much time on their hands.

I cant wait to see what happens once these letters go out. This should be good. Hopefully someone figures out who this woman is tonight. I mean, it is technically Mischief Night and all 😉 Anything could happen!

October 25, 2013 / laurenhessrambling

Halloween!

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It’s been a while since I last posted. I guess I need something to really inspire me first. That or I am just lazy.

October is one of my favorite months and I love Halloween! So I have to admit, I am so surprised to hear from a few different people that they dislike the holiday. What exactly is there to dislike about Halloween? Hay rides? Pumpkin patches? Parades? Candy?! Each year I look forward to decorating our house with all of my ceramic witches, pumpkins and scarecrows. I love dressing my kids up in costumes! (as well as myself!) And anytime I have mini twix bars on hand, its a good time. Not to mention PUMPKIN FLAVORED EVERYTHING!

But I think my all time favorite thing about this holiday is the scary movies!!!!!!!!!!! I am addicted to AMC’s Fear Fest where every night, they offer up a multitude of classic slasher flicks for our viewing pleasure. Halloween is THE movie to watch. Who isn’t terrified of Michael Myers coming to hunt them down with a butcher knife?! So you can imagine my shock when I recently found out a couple of friends HAVE NEVER SEEN THE HALLOWEEN MOVIES. Say what??!! Do they even know who Michael Myers is?? I am pretty sure I have caught at least one or two of these movies every single year for the past 10 or so years. It’s a tradition of mine.

All month long I will be watching scary movies. I am up to Halloween 5 currently. And I’ve got Child’s Play 2 and 3 waiting on my dvr for me. We all need a little Chucky now and again. I’ve watched at least three Nightmare on Elm Street movies as well. Last year I dvred all of the Friday the 13th movies but Jason just doesn’t do it for me like Freddy and Michael do. My Halloween is just NOT complete unless I get to watch some of my favorite cheesy 80’s horror flicks. From the bad hair to the even worse clothing choices, I can’t imagine a better way to spend my evenings after everyone else is asleep.

So to those of you who don’t like scary movies, okay, I can understand that. Some people just don’t like scary movies. But to those strange people who dislike Halloween in general, I just cant wrap my head around you people! It’s one of my favorite holidays for so many reasons. I have it right up there with Thanksgiving and Christmas!

And, yes, the free candy doesn’t hurt. Michael Myers is even better to watch when I have a candy bar in my hand 😉

Happy Halloween!

March 27, 2013 / laurenhessrambling

One year ago today.

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One year ago today, my mom died. A brain aneurysm took her from this earth. Sometimes i try to imagine what she was doing right before it happened. Maybe she was sitting at the kitchen table, reading, like she often did. Or maybe she was on the very computer im typing this up on. Perhaps she was sitting in her living room reading her gossip magazines, a guilty pleasure we both enjoyed. Or maybe she was laying down in her bed, because she had a headache. Nobody knows for sure because that night, like many nights, she was alone in her home. But I do know she had a terrible, blinding headache and called her work, acting confused. Im thankful she did that because if she hadnt, I wouldnt have gotten the chance to be by her side when she passed.

About four hours after 911 was called, I was signing a paper that gave the hospital permission to turn off the machines that were keeping her alive. The staff told me she would just code again and again and that she was brain dead. She wasnt really there anymore. To this day, I am so angry that I alone had to make that decision. I am not God nor do I want to pretend i am. Within the hour, she was gone. Her heart stopped beating and I held her hand through the very last second.

I want to tell you it gets easier but that would be a lie. Losing someone you love doesnt get easier. It just becomes different. If i allow myself to, i can think back to the night she died. It was about 4:20am and after we went home, i cried myself to sleep. I awoke about 7am and cried again for my loss. That was single handedly the most painful thing i have ever experienced and one can really only truly understand if they have lost someone just as close to them. Before it happens, you feel bad for other people but you dont fully understand the gut wrenching pain that occurs. I wish it on no one although at some point, we are all doomed to experience it. While i suspect the pain of loss will never fully go away, it does become different. I dont cry while driving down the road anymore. I can enjoy holidays and birthday parties but i will always wish she was there. The pain has changed, rearranged itself, but it will always remain. There will always be a hole in my heart.

I wont pretend me and my mom were best friends, because we werent. We fought like crazy, especially when i was a teenager. We werent the mother daugther duo who spent saturdays shopping and having brunch together. But she was there for me when i really needed her. When i was having problems, she was there to talk me down and tell me to relax. She was the one who drove me over 5 hours to Pittsburgh for college, helped me unpack my bags and then drove the 5 hours back home in the same day. She was the one who took out a $10,000 student loan just so i could go to college in the first place, even though she really couldnt afford to do that. She was the one who babysat Dylan for me so i could go back to work when he was just 6 1/2 weeks old and keep him out of daycare for a while. When it truly counted, she always came through.

I miss her so much. Not a day goes by when i dont think about her. I wish so much for her to see that i am finally a stay at home mom! She knew how much i wanted that. I want her to sit down and have a conversation with Gavin. She would be amazed at how well he talks and how much he has grown up in the past year. He turns 4 in just a few short days. I want her to be able to take Dylan out somewhere and spend the day together. I know how much he loves and misses his grandma Lynn.

Death is a cruel, cruel thing and when it happens unexpectedly and way before it should, it feels like youve been kicked in the throat. Its so hard for me to just let go. Writing this out has helped, if only for a little. I love you mom and i know you are up there watching us. I just miss you. I cant believe you have been gone for an entire year already. Sometimes it feels like only a couple months has passed.

Life isnt fair, we all know that.  And at any given moment, it can end. Its cliche and ive said it 100 times before but dont waste your time being angry over petty stuff. Life is too short. Enjoy it. 

Rest in Peace Mom. January 18th, 1952 – March 27th, 2012

January 22, 2013 / laurenhessrambling

Is it time?

Yesterday i walked in to Hot Topic, followed by my two kids. I needed to buy nose studs bc i lose them constantly and i am on my last one. And i know i can buy a bunch for $10 at Hot Topic. So im there and the girl helping me is young and has a multitude of facial piercings, including her lip and her septum (you know, the bull ring) So im feeling slightly self concious, like i always have felt in that store, like i dont really belong there lol The girl proceeds to tell me that she used to have her nose pierced but it kept falling out or you could see it in her nostril. I was like “umm you can see it now” (referring to her septum piercing) She laughed and i said “well i guess thats intentional.”

So she’s ringing me up while my kids admire the “cool belts” Hot Topic has to offer lol As im leaving, i pass two much younger girls, complete with crazy hair and black and purple tutus and it dawned on me: I am way too old to be shopping at Hot Topic.

So then i was thinking, maybe i am too old for a nose piercing. I love my nose piercing. I have had it done for about 7 or 8 years now. I’m not sure im ready to take it out. But i also dont want to be that “old mom” who is trying way too hard to look cool and youthful. I am almost 31… i guess it would be worse if i was almost 41 and still had it in..

One thing i do wish i could get rid of is my tattoos. I HAVE grown out of them. I know a lot of people who are proud of what they have but i downright HATE my ink. I am known for being impulsive, indecisive and have total Obessive Compulsive Disorder. I need a magic wand to erase my past… come on people, its 2013. Where’s my magic wand??

I only have 4 tattoos and you probably wouldnt even know it unless you saw me in shorts, a dress or a bathing suit. So atleast i can hide them. But i am so envious of those who have “clean” skin. I was a stupid kid who made quick decisions without thinking. I have done that most of my life.

Its not just tattoos that i regret. I could literally write an entire book of my life’s regrets. But i wont. I dont need to tell you all the things i regret. I wish i could be one of those people that just lets it roll off my shoulder. “Stupid tattoo? Eh who cares? I was young and dumb.” But i am sooooo not that person.

If i could erase every tattoo i have, which is only 4, even though i have been inked over a dozen times probably, I would do it in a heartbeat. Even my kids names. I want clean skin so badly. But i need to let it go.

Most of you dont know this but recently i looked into laser surgery for the removal of the tattoo on my back. That one is my first tattoo and by far, my biggest regret. I had it added to several times in hopes that i would grow to love it. Nope. I hate it even more than i did before. Stupid, stupid, stupid. But laser surgery is no guerentee. I am terrified to spend $3500-$4000 for something that *might* not even work. And again, i say, its 2013 people! How do we not know how to successfully blast a tattoo away yet?? I went to one consult that cost me $30. They were nice but didnt sell me, as they only showed me 1 previous client’s picture and he had a small, FADED tattoo that took 20 sessions to get rid of. My tattoo has been inked over.. had i left it alone, it would be very faded… but noooo. Plus my tattoo is a lot bigger than the guy they showed me. I have one more consult i may go to and i am only going bc this one is free, as they all should be imo. But i dont have high hopes.

Eventually i will just need to realize that i have to live with the mistakes i make. Its not like i have a model body anyway. I already hate wearing a bikini.. i had two kids and i have the stretch marks to prove it ha

I just hope that my kids will listen to me when i advise them not to do something. I didnt have enough people to tell me “No, thats a terrible idea” and i didnt listen to the ones who did. If i could go back in time, there are plenty of things id change about my life and the choices i have made. But i cant so i need to work on accepting these choices.

In the mean time, i like to google “ugly tattoos” and laugh at all the other hideous tattoos out there. It makes me feel better 😉

Oh and the nose ring stays for now. I am just not ready to let that one go quite yet.